Subject: Red pen or yellow highlighter?
Preheader: Pointing out our flaws doesn’t build confidence

This is Yvette dropping into your inbox today, %user.name_f%.

In case we've not met before, hello 👋

…I'm a Nonviolent Communication Facilitator

Back in 2017 I wrote a blog post called Red Pen or Yellow Highlighter?

I talked about the painful approach I used to take as a teacher — liberally applying my red pen as I marked students' work looking for errors.

I'd call out areas for improvements too.

After I'd marked up all the things that were "wrong", I'd return papers to students for fixing.

I called this "teaching and learning".

Most of us were schooled with this technique.

So. Painful.

It reinforces why we haven't measured up to someone else's standard.

And has some pretty toxic side effects.

For starters, we become dependent on others' judgements and approval of us to get a sense of being accepted.

Then we start applying this voice to ourselves — critically examining the way we've spoken, or acted.

We evaluate if we've measured up to the (often unrealistic) expectations we have of ourselves.

Not sure what I mean? Here's how we might 'red pen' our performance in life:

"I shouldn't have said that. They probably think I'm ____"

"I screwed that up. I should have done ____ instead"

"I can't believe I forgot to pay that bill. What an idiot! Now I'm going to get a surcharge."

OUCH. Enough already.

Let's zip back to my teaching days…

A writing teacher of mine suggested I take a yellow highlighter, and begin all student feedback sessions by simply highlighting all the words, phrases and sections of writing that I really enjoyed.

Then she suggested that during structured feedback sessions with students, I share my genuine responses to the writing (instead of my evaluations of it).

This was a paradigm shift in my teaching (and relationships).

Instead of being the "evaluator" whose job it was to identify what was not yet "up to standard," I was able to be just another human being with ideas, responses, preferences and experiences to share.

Why does the yellow highlighter approach work so much better than the red pen?

…It builds a foundation of trust and goodwill.
…It fosters curiosity about each other's perspectives.
…It leads to learning, growth and exploration.
…And it ultimately improved my students' skills in the areas they were working on.

Far more than the red pen approach ever could.

As I prepare to teach my upcoming course, I find myself wondering,

what if we approached our relationship with ourselves in this way?

I believe we’d  

💗 get clear on what we like about ourselves
💗 let go of some of the self-criticism
💗 be gentler on ourselves
💗 be less defensive, less scared, and less wary.

Years of social conditioning, past experiences, and day-to-day events build up in their impact over time and become integrated into our being.

Being corrected, being excluded, being included (but only if you behave in a certain way), being talked about, not being heard and not being seen for who we truly are all impact the way we see ourselves. The way we evaluate our performance in life. And the way we speak to ourselves.

We become prisoners of our scared critical inner voice.

Thing is, that voice is just trying to protect you.

It wants to be heard.

And it wants you to be safe.

And you can give that voice space to be heard without letting it control how you feel.

Or what choices you make.

Join me for From Inner Critic to Inner Coach: Unleash Your Deeper Potential to learn how to overcome your inner critic so you can take risks, follow your heart, and connect more deeply with yourself and others.

You might find you start to embrace your imperfections, cultivate self-acceptance and celebrate your personal strengths.

See if it's for you, here →

***You can get 20% off if you enroll before Monday, June 10.***

I hope to see you there.

Warmly, Yvette Erasmus Licensed Clinical Psychologist, LP and Nonviolent Communication Facilitator This email is based on my original blog post, Red Pen or Yellow Highlighter? which you can read here. It is edited and reproduced in this email in collaboration with the NVC Academy to promote my upcoming course. For the scrollers out there 😉 Learn to embrace your imperfections, cultivate self-acceptance and celebrate your personal strengths with Dr. Yvette Erasmus in her upcoming course, From Inner Critic to Inner Coach: Unleash Your Deeper Potential. Get 20% off if you enroll by Monday, June 10.