Welcome to the NVC Library

Trainer Tip: Even when it's tempting to coerce or match might with might, we can strive to meet our needs without negatively affecting others. Instead of convincing anyone to do it our way or to value the same things we value, we can focus on what we value: compassion among people and valuing everyone’s needs. By doing this we are actually more likely to meet our own needs and we are better able to live peacefully.

Trainer Tip: Here are four Stages of Emotional Maturity, also known as Stages of Emotional Liberation. Be aware of what stage of emotional maturity you are in today. And, celebrate it.

We can shift from being absorbed and identified with our inner chatter and feelings to being the space of awareness of these things. Observe your breath. Then observe your mind generating thoughts. Next, feel sensations of your body, particularly the difficult ones. Now, connect with the underlying energy of needs. Ask your unconscious mind for universal needs words related to what you now notice, think and feel.

Trainer Tip: Without knowing our feelings, its harder to live fully present, take care of ourselves, and make sound decisions. If its difficult for you to know what you feel and to express your feelings, consider reviewing a list of feelings, practice expanding your feelings vocabulary, and naming your feelings.

NVC is a process. It’s the willingness and effort to empathize with both sides of a conflict, encouraging each side to empathize with the other, and then seeing what solution can arise, working together to meet the needs of both sides. Empathy is the experience of being not separate as well as being an individual. It's seeing we're all part of the one ever-flowing consciousness of being, all unique expressions of this unity.

Even in the face of societal upheavals we can look for what's in our power to change. For example, we can participate in systemic change, and heal whatever we need to heal that which keeps us from living our values more readily. We can take the time to be present to those in pain, and to show up fully in our lives even when we feel stress. We can take strides to make a difference towards creating the world we want to live in.

Trainer Tip: The better you connect with your child’s needs, the more you will defuse the power struggle. If he wants to behave in a way you don't like, start by understanding what's going on with him by making empathic guesses. Doing this out loud can expand your child’s emotional vocabulary and show that his needs matter to you, and build his trust. Once you learn what's going on with him, create a strategy that values both your needs.

When we feel pain about humans relate to, and conflict with, one another on Earth what can give us capacity to transform it? Perhaps in connection to the formless consciousness of unity we may relax, open, expand -- and connect to formless human needs, a sense of universal well being, benevolence and good will. Loving action flows from here. Suffering shifts into deep healing, grace and new possibility.

The regeneration movement employs practices for healing our planet from damage, and boosting Earth sustainability. Environmental and social degradation is deeply connected -- as it comes from the same extractive, exploitive mindset of economic and related systems. Connecting with universal consciousness and needs underlying conflicts, we connect with commonality of all planetary life. This helps tap new abilities for working together. This can contain power to regenerate and heal ourselves and Earth.

Trainer Tip: Are you meeting your needs for exercise? Consider which activities would help you meet your needs for physical and emotional health and fun, rather than focusing on what expert opinion says. If you feel overwhelmed and had a hard time sticking to the program feel free to tweak your program so that you enjoy it more.

Trainer Tip: Notice when you're tempted to wield physical, emotional, and intellectual power to get your children to do what you want. This coercion or force may bring short term ease, but long term it can be counterproductive. Ask yourself “What do I want my child to do?” and “What do I want my child’s reasons for doing it to be?”. Then consider ways to help them connect to their intrinsic motivation for doing it.

Trainer Tip: Punitive use of force stems from a belief that people behave in certain ways because they're bad, and that they need to be punished to mend their ways. One way to punish is to judge them. In contrast, protective use of force stems from a desire to prevent injury or injustice. It focuses on protecting people’s rights and well-being, not judging their behavior.

When outraged or resigned over polarized issues, pause to ask yourself who may be benefiting from this conflict? What are we not paying attention to that’s even more important? What matters most? Am I being distracted away from something more important? What do I really want? Where can I choose to focus attention and action for the wellbeing of all life on the planet (which is also my wellbeing and the well being of those I love)?

Trainer Tip: If you are motivated by fear, guilt, blame or shame, your actions will usually be motivated by avoiding pain. The best way to experience permanent, lifelong change is to focus on how your life will improve when you make a change. Notice when you attempt to motivate yourself and others with guilt, blame, or shame today, and then look for motivations that enrich life instead.

Trainer Tip: The surest way to enjoy life is to do things that meet your needs. If you don’t enjoy a particular activity, consider the need you hope to meet by doing it. For instance, for each item you want to do consider the needs you're trying to meet. Connect to the joy of that need. Then for each ask: “How would I feel if I delayed finishing this item?”. Consider which items you want to continue, pause, or reprioritize. This can help increase life enjoyment.

Trainer Tip: Notice where you're judging or blaming people for not meeting your needs. Strive instead to notice and name the related feelings and needs longing to be met. Ask a question to check with the other person about what they want and need. This can open up the conversation towards mutually beneficial solutions.

Trainer Tip: When we match might with might, we create discord, frustration, and separation from other people. Instead, place aside your urge to be right or to win. Approach charged situations with a sincere desire to be honest, and to value everyone’s needs including your own. The way you show up is a valuable asset. You may not get what you asked for but you can increase your chances of meeting your needs for integrity, and more.

Trainer Tip: You may find yourself assessing the relationship with someone just based on how they feel. Check in with yourself: How do you feel and what needs of yours are met when you spend time with someone? Consider whether this relationship is working for you. If it isn't, be specific about which of your needs are unmet. Notice if you can do anything to help meet them.

Trainer Tip: When you make a request of someone, you don't diminish your relationship; you enhance it. If you receive a "no" to your request, consider brainstorming a different strategy that would meet your needs. It isn’t a sign of weakness to clarify what you would like. It helps you commit to living a full and joyful life. Look for opportunities to clarify your requests.

Trainer Tip: We all have different ways to meet our need for rest. It's important to notice when you need that time. You might know you need rest when you find yourself snapping at people on the phone, when you snap at your cat, or when you ignore your partner. Rather than behave in ways that you might regret, consider doing something that will help you meet your need for rest. Everyone in your life will benefit.